Social connection is a basic human need. There are many ways we can connect socially but according to recent studies, Americans are becoming less socially connected than we were in the past. Trust in each other and in our institutions is decreasing, while the levels of polarization are on the rise. To make matters worse the number of close friendships people have is declining.
Why are we so lonely?
We have all felt lonely at one time or another, whether the result of a move or job change, a breakup, an illness, or loss of a loved one. However when that feeling persists over time, it becomes chronic.
Loneliness has been on the rise in recent years. Today half of U.S. adults say they face loneliness, with some of the highest rates among young adults. It comes as no surprise that loneliness is now considered a public health concern, with many experts referring to it as the Loneliness Epidemic.
According to the Surgeon General’s report from 2023, loneliness can be as bad for you as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
The report, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, states that loneliness and isolation profoundly threaten our health and well-being. In fact, they increase the risk of premature death by nearly 29%. There is also an increased risk for anxiety, depression, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression and dementia, and the list goes on. It may sound clichè, but now more than ever, if you are feeling lonely you’re not alone – but rest assured there are ways forward.
What does loneliness look like?
Loneliness is an internal experience that we all face at one time or another. Because it’s a feeling, it doesn’t have one external look, so it’s important to check in with people in our lives about how they’re doing.
Loneliness is an internal experience that we all face at one time or another. Because it’s a feeling, it doesn’t have one external look, so it’s important to check in with people in our lives about how they’re doing.
So what’s going on internally?
Sometimes we feel a mis-match between what we want our social lives to be and what they actually are.
There is a difference, however, between loneliness and social isolation. Social isolation relates to the total, objective number of people you have around to help you. People who are socially isolated may feel lonely, but people who aren’t isolated can experience the same feelings. If you have a lot of people around but still feel lonely, it may feel confusing, because being lonely often gives the impression that you must not have anyone around you. The true distinction in feeling supported, however, is the quality of your relationships, not the quantity. If you’re feeling lonely, you may have a hard time making deep, meaningful connections, and might also feel like there’s something wrong with you. Additionally, you may feel lonely in romantic, long-term relationships as well, because sometimes we have guards and walls up from past trauma that we subconsciously think are protecting us.
In reality, they’re stopping us from connecting. Internalization is hard, but know that no one is alone in that; at least 50% of the population has measurable levels of loneliness.
Day to day – or even hour to hour – our experience with loneliness can fluctuate. It doesn’t have to feel constant to be real or a struggle; but feeling consistent, persistent loneliness nearly all the time is something to watch out for, since it can cause problems. Loneliness is very interrelated to other areas like mental health, substance use, and sleep.
Although loneliness doesn’t have a look, there are a couple different ways to experience it; you may feel that the cause is a lack of meaningful relationships, or you may feel that there’s a mismatch between your true self and work-self –that you can’t be genuine in social spaces.
The myths around loneliness at the workplace
Employers and managers may jump to the conclusion that remote work breeds loneliness and the answer is to send people back to the office, but experts caution this will not solve the problem.
According to the Nov-Dec 2024 edition of Harvard Business Review, loneliness cannot be solved with in-person work. The article, We’re Still Lonely at Work, does acknowledge that working completely remotely and never meeting up with colleagues can be isolating, however, it states that it is important not to blame remote work as the reason for this. The Review studied 1,000 knowledge workers in more than 20 industries using a measurement tool called the Work Loneliness Scale. They found that whether someone works five days in the office, or only two days in the office, it makes no difference when it comes to the level of loneliness.
According to the article, in order for employers to decrease loneliness and build social connection, they should take these seven steps:
Measure loneliness
Design slack into workflow
Create a culture of connection
Build socializing into the workflow Keep social activities simple
Maximize work for connection Actively recruit participants in programs
The relationship between sleep and loneliness
Sleep and loneliness have a bidirectional relationship, meaning these two factors influence each other. It’s clear that sleep heavily affects our body and mind; adults who sleep 7-9 hours report feeling happier and having lower levels of stress. If you have a constant voice in your head that is always tired, needing a nap, or wanting more coffee, then you probably don’t have the energy to look up, engage with things/people around you, or contribute to your community – and other people can sense it, too. There have been studies showing that if you put young, sleep deprived people in a room with other, non-sleep deprived people, other people will actually avoid them because of their negative energy. Sleep deprivation intertwines with loneliness because it causes an intense lack of energy, both physical and emotional; energy is a foundational need for social interactions and events, especially around people who you don’t have close relationships with.
If you’d like to get your sleep schedule on track and feel more rested day-to-day, a possible first step is to make sure your mornings / days are filled with sun, light, and as much activity as you can, while your evenings are more relaxed, quieter, and darker.
Another important tip for getting your body ready for bed earlier is to restrict your cell phone use; the light confuses our natural circadian rhythms and melatonin production, making us more awake. Try putting it away for the night at least 30 minutes to an hour before bed. Two hours is ideal, but it’s easier to start new habits gradually.
Lost connection as a result of the digital age
Have you ever scrolled on social media for a short break, and then realized that you somehow lost 30 minutes or an hour? It’s not hard to get distracted by our phones, especially when we have it with us all the time. Social media apps are designed to get us hooked and keep scrolling. As a result, connection is lost in addition to our time. Since these two things are crucial for fighting loneliness, many believe that living in the digital age is worsening the loneliness epidemic. By occupying our time and mental space/capacity, it can often lead us to feel worse about ourselves or our relationships.
We often retreat into our phones as a safety measure when we feel uncomfortable engaging socially – but it’s crucial to remember that there’s a lot of connection to be found day-to-day. Just holding a door or making eye contact with others as you pass them by can make someone feel seen. Saying ‘good morning’ or giving a stranger a compliment can make you feel more connected to the environment around you.
Next time you go outside, try looking up when you have the urge to look down at your phone, or set a goal for yourself to compliment one person.
What’s a quality connection?
Quality connections are relationships you have with people who fill up your cup; when you spend time with these people you feel relaxed, happy, full of ideas, and eager to share. Beyond feeling good and fulfilled, quality connections should also make you feel encouraged to be your true self around them. When we don’t feel the need to hide, act, or push aside our true interests, we connect deeper and avoid feelings of loneliness that come from not having a space to be yourself in.
You may want to think about who in your life fills that cup, and who depletes it, making you feel worse – they might make you feel drained, angry, intense, or worried. Focusing on good, quality relationships are the ones that will make you feel less lonely and generally happier.
However, we can’t necessarily cut ourselves off from all people who are draining – so how do we coexist with them? To start, put up your own barriers for that person; realize what you’re willing to give, and what boundaries you’re not willing to cross. Define those boundaries for yourself as you figure out how to work with them without draining your energy away.
Make an effort to connect if you work from home
When working from home full-time, it’s easy to get into the habit of rolling from bed to desk every day. But picking out clothes, getting out of the house and talking to people face-to-face can make a huge difference. When we’re in our own spaces all the time, we don’t have the opportunity to see how everyone else in the world is living; that everyday connection to other people, to something greater, can make us feel less lonely.
The importance of third spaces
A third place is somewhere outside of work or home that you can go to to connect with others or find community. It presents itself as a vital answer to easing rates of loneliness. Part of why loneliness is so statistically common may be the result of the fact that third places are not as common among Americans as they used to be. Grind culture has gained steady traction as employees and students are encouraged to be inspired by their stressors and constantly be working, leaving little time for relaxation, hobbies, or community. In turn, less time is spent in third spaces, cultivating connections. Feeling like there’s more to your life than work and home is essential, and can make a big difference between feeling alone vs. feeling supported.
Feeling like there’s no time to foster deeper connections?
Whether you’re a single parent, you work multiple jobs, or you take care of a loved one with a chronic illness, you may not feel like there’s time in your schedule to focus on creating deeper connections. It’s very common to experience loneliness when much of your time is devoted to taking care of others – finding connections in communities where people are experiencing similar things to you may be very beneficial, since understanding fosters connections on deeper levels. For caregivers specifically, there are support groups to help with caregiver fatigue (also known as caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue), which is categorized by physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion, resulting from caring for someone else.
Though there can be different obstacles when trying to achieve deeper social connections, it’s clear that social connectedness influences our health in multiple ways, including our physical, psychological, behavioral, and emotional wellbeing. This loneliness epidemic puts a large number of people at risk, but slowly we can create habits and lifestyle changes that influence our wellbeing for the better.
By strengthening our relationships and supporting community efforts to rebuild social connection, we can live healthier, more productive and more fulfilling lives.
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